"Who Are You? I Thought I Knew You..." Pt. 1

We break down why constant texting and nightly FaceTime can still leave you dating a curated version of someone. We share what actually reveals character and how to take your time so you do not commit to a stranger. 
• why you can feel close and still not know someone 
• the difference between date-night behavior and everyday life 
• how stress, money pressure, parenting and grief reveal character 
• what to watch for when someone is overwhelmed: communication, apology, accountability and self-correction 
• why we believe it takes at least a year to truly vet someone across seasons 
• how to get real information without living together before marriage 
• questions to ask about debt, conflict, household roles, faith and future goals 
• why chemistry is easy and character is the deciding factor 
If you have any questions or you want to talk about this even more, dive a little deeper, DM me, of course, leave a message somewhere. 

Thank you joining  Love Our Talks and listening to these juicy topics!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey Love, welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode of Love Our Talks. Of course, I'm your host and your certified matchmaker. K Love. And of course, your love advisor, right? Your love advisor. So I want y'all to do me a favor. Go ahead and grab your wine, your coffee, your tea, your smoothie, whatever

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_00 0:23

your drink of choice is, sit back, relax, because today we're talking about something that I think, okay, could save somebody's years of heartbreak. Yeah, it could possibly save you years of heartbreak. Now I want to ask you a question, right? How long does it really take to know somebody? And before y'all answer, I'm not talking about knowing their favorite color, where they work, what kind of music they like, or what restaurant they love to eat at. I am talking about when do you actually know the real person? Because here's what I've noticed. A lot of people think that they know somebody because they've been talking, you know, every day. You know, they spend time together here and there. We text all day, we FaceTime every night, we talk for two, three hours before bed, we fall asleep on FaceTime.

unknown 1:24

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Well, let me ask you this. Have you seen them after one of the worst days of their life? Have you seen them when money is tight? When work is stressing them out? When life isn't just going their way, because we know life ain't always gonna be on the up and up, and it's not always there, right? And have you seen them when their child is getting on their very last nerves, okay? And they will because that's when things get pretty interesting. See, anybody can be pleasant when they're just trying to impress you, anybody can be patient during date nights, and anybody can be sweet when they're just pursuing you. They can be extensive when they're just trying to win you over. That's what I call I want to please you version. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they're necessarily being fake, but most people generally want to put their best foot forward in the beginning. That's that's normal, right? That's typical. So the thing is eventually life starts happening. And we know life is gonna life. And when it does start happening, that's when you begin meeting the version of them that lives behind closed doors. Now, let's talk about FaceTime for a minute. Because uh somebody listening right now is saying, but Caleb, we FaceTime every day. I know him, I know her. Do you? Do you really? Hmm, that's what you think. Okay. So because you're on FaceTime, you're still getting a selective version of somebody. You've seen the version that's available for that call in that moment. And let's be real. Some people can turn that charm on faster than an actor on a movie set. I'm telling you. Phone rings, let's let's let's go through this. Phone rings. Hey bang, big smile on their face, right? Good energy.

Why Date Night Is Misleading

SPEAKER_00 3:33

But we saw sweet. Meanwhile, five minutes before you call, they were irritated, busting at the kids, complaining about work, mad about a bill, or frustrated sitting in traffic. Then suddenly, action. Now they're giving you their award-winning performance. Now, don't get me wrong, everybody isn't acting. But people naturally show the version of themselves they want you to experience. Then the call ends. Okay, have a good night. Have a good night. I love you. Talk to you tomorrow. Click and scene. FaceTime closes, the smiles disappear, sweatpants come back on. They're yelling upstairs, asking who left the dishes in the sink. They're irritated because the dog tore something up. They're stressed because, oh man, about work tomorrow. Right? And they go right back to dealing with whatever was stressing them out before you call. And that's why FaceTime gives you conversation. It doesn't always give you reality. See, reality is seeing somebody when the camera isn't on. It's also seeing when, you know, it's seeing somebody when they don't have time to prepare. Reality is watching how they handle everyday life when somebody is auditioning, you know, for the role of your future husband or your wife. And here's where it gets even deeper. Let's say they've had a like a really stressful day. The work is crazy. Boss is on there, just riding them like crazy. And the kids have been acting up, talking back. And we know if you have any teenagers or anything like that, it's the talking back, it's the slamming of doors, it's the rolling of eyes, it's the ignoring you, it's the whole thing. Right? It's the whole attitude. They could have some bills that are due. They could be trying to manage debt, right? Then they're just probably just sometimes mentally exhausted. Then you ask them something kind of simple. Hey babe, can you help me with this? Can we talk for a minute? Oh, did you forget to do this? And suddenly they just snap. You know, yell, you know, not yelling, not a huge argument, just a tone, a sharp response. Aside

FaceTime Shows A Curated Version

SPEAKER_00 6:01

of them you never seen before. And now you're sitting there thinking, oh, whoa, okay. I didn't know that was in there. I didn't see that coming. Why didn't you see that coming? Why didn't you see that coming? Exactly. Because dating and everyday life are two completely different experiences. Some people are amazing at dating, they're thoughtful, they're intensive, they're romantic. Some people are serial daters, okay? You know, they know how to turn on that exciting charm. But the real question isn't who they are on date night. Okay? The real question is who are they on a random Tuesday when life is lifey? Who are they when, you know, like after 10 hours of like working that day? Who are they when the kids are driving them up the wall? When money gets tight, when they're frustrated, when they're disappointed, also, who are they when they've lost someone deeply and close to them and they they have to grieve? Because grieving we know that can change you completely. You can live in that grief, or you manage it and you move forward, right? Who are they when they're disappointed? Because stress doesn't create character, stress reveals it. Now let me be clear everybody has bad days. Okay, everybody has bad days. You can say you don't, you can tell yourself every day is a good day, but trust me, there's something that has turned you, it has irritated you. And I'm not saying it has to be the word bad, but you've had those days. I've had them, you've had them. We're human. And the issue isn't whether somebody gets stressed, the issue is who they become when they are stressed. Do they communicate? Do they apologize? And do they take accountability? Do they self-correct? Or does everybody around them have to suffer every time life gets hard? That's the stuff you need time to discover. And honestly, that's why I believe you need at least a year or more to truly vet somebody. You need to know them in all seasons, not just the vacation, not just holidays, and not just the honeymoon phase. You need to know them during pressure season. Because pressure reveals things attraction never will. Now, before you, you know, somebody comes,

Stress Reveals Who They Are

SPEAKER_00 8:55

sends me a DM tomorrow. Let me go ahead and address this real quick. I know some of y'all are listening and saying, hey, Kayla, I don't believe in living together before marriage. No, okay, yeah. Because thing is, how do you get to know them? How do you how can you get to know them more? You see them more, right? You're thinking, okay, you see them more. Well, if I live with them, I can see them in every element. Yeah, that can be the case as well. But you also, um, but you also have the people that say, I don't believe in living together before marriage. And listen, I respect that. Some people have religious beliefs, some people have personal values, and some people, you know, simply don't want to live together until they say I do. And that's okay. You know, this conversation is not about telling people what they should do and what they shouldn't do. This, you know, the real question is: how are you intentionally getting to know this person? Because whether you live together before marriage or not, you still need enough information to make a wise decision. You still need to know who are you when life gets hard? When you're stressed again, you're disappointed, when things aren't going your way. Because marriage isn't just two people sharing a last name and living together. It is dealing with everything in between all of that while you're living together under the same roof. Okay. You're dealing with your things, he's dealing with his things, and you both are dealing with, if you have kids, you're dealing with the kids. Okay. It's two people sharing a real life. And if you're not living together before marriage, that doesn't mean you date blindly and hope for the best. Let me just throw this here and it's gonna stick and it's gonna be great. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. You have to become intentional. Have you traveled together? Spent entire weekends together, seen each other around family, spend time as a group with the kids, everyone all together, traveling together, observe them how they spend money. Have you talked about debt, parenting, okay, conflict, household responsibilities, faith, right? And future goals. Because sometimes people know everything about somebody's favorite food, and absolutely nothing about how they handle pressure. And baby, pressure is coming. Life is going through life. And the question isn't if, the question is when. Multiple personalities you have to navigate through. Because now, you know, I'm not just looking at how you treat me, you know, I'm looking at how you parents, how do you respond when your children is having like a meltdown? How do you handle that stress? How do you discipline? And how do you communicate inside your household? Because if you're talking about blending families, you need to know what

Why Vetting Takes At Least A Year

SPEAKER_00 12:10

environment you're walking into. Will your children accept me? Will you create healthy boundaries? And do you create peace inside your home? Or is it chaos? Because love alone doesn't blend families successfully. It does not. Patience does. Communication and maturity does. And emotional intelligence does. And I like to think a lot of people fall in love with chemistry before they fully examine the character. Chemistry gets you excited. Of course. It gets everybody excited. Who doesn't want to have chemistry with that person that they're attracted to? But character determines whether the relationship survives. Are you getting to know the person or are you getting to know their representative? Because eventually the FaceTime calls become normal, the butterflies will settle down, and excitement slows down as well. And the performance phase in everyday life enters the room. And when that happens, the question becomes who are you behind closed doors when nobody is trying to impress anybody anymore? Because that's the person you actually are building a future with. Remember this, love. The goal isn't moving in, right? That's not always the case. The goal isn't rushing to the altar. The goal is having wisdom. And you ask God for wisdom and to reveal things that are not seen. Okay. And the goal is making sure you're not marrying a stranger just because you fell in love with the version of them that only showed up during date night or fun time or happy days. You know, pay attention to how they treat people when they're stressed, pay attention to how they handle disappointment, pay attention to how they become when life gets hard. Because the real test of a relationship isn't how someone loves you when everything is going right. It is how they treat you when everything is going crazy. So think about that. So until next time, loves, protect your heart, trust your discernment, and never be afraid to have to take your time getting to know, you know, who's really standing in front of you. Ask the hard questions, y'all. You may ruffle a little feather here and there, okay. But so what if you do? Then that means you get to see how they react to the difficult conversations. You okay? Sometimes you have to push the little button just to see what you get on the other side. And you're not doing it maliciously, because the thing is, if you have sincere intentions to want to ask these questions for your benefit, ask the questions because it's for your benefit. You need

Intentional Ways To Truly Know Them

SPEAKER_00 15:26

to know these things. And if it sits him or her the wrong way, you get to see how they respond to that. So, okay, again. Um, yes, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much again for joining me in this conversation. Um, if you have any questions or you want to talk about this even more, dive a little deeper, DM me, of course, leave a message somewhere. Um, we're on all platforms, all your platforms, Spotify, iHeart, iTunes, all your streaming platforms. You can find Love Our Talks. So until next time, I'm your host, K Love, your certified matchmaker and love advisor. And this has been another episode of Love Our Talks. All right, talk to you soon. Bye.